Batbaby

by Artemis

*********************************************

July 4th, Gotham City

The Dark Knight surveyed his city. So far this evening, nothing major had happened. But he feared as soon as the fireworks started, someone was going to take advantage.

“They all look so happy.”

He turned to his companion on patrol that night and gave a small nod, “But it never lasts.”

“Does that matter, as long as they’re happy right now?”

He said nothing and turned back to the people wandering the pier. Any minute now, there should be a mugging or a fight or looting. He was always prepared.

“Someone’s crying for help!” Diana started to jump off the roof, but Batman grabbed her arm.

She looked at him and grinned, “Sorry I forgot.”

She grabbed a grappling hook off her belt and shot it off, then swung down. He wasn’t far behind.

**************************************************

The crowd was too tight. Josephine was trying to remember her Lamaze, but between all the people who wouldn’t move, the insufferable heat, and the, well, labor, breathing was difficult. Why she thought coming outside on her due date with her husband still at work was a good idea, she’d never know. She had wanted to see the fireworks—she always watched the fireworks from the pier. Feeling fine, she ventured outside. She now regretted it.

(a/n: yes, UG, I know you’re not stupid! but otherwise there’d be no story! ;))

She yelled again for help, but the few people who actually heard her simply stared back and everyone else was drunk or too loud to hear her pleas.

“I’ve got you sister,” came a voice from above and Josephine felt herself being lifted. She was in the air.

She gasped, momentarily forgetting her pain to ask, “What the HELL is going on here?”

Twisting to look at her new “sister,” she froze and then squinted.

“Batman? But you’re a woman. And you’re flying.”

“I’m not exactly Batman. Where do I need to take you?”

Josephine started to tell her which hospital, when she cried out instead.

“My water broke!”

She was echoed by cries of anguish below, when shouts of “What the fuck!” and “What the hell is this stuff?” came from the crowd.

“This baby is coming NOW!”

Diana panicked and set her onto a rooftop where Batman was waiting.

“I know I broke the no-fly rule, but the baby’s coming now!” Diana repeated Josephine’s warning, but with a lot more panic in voice.

Batman stared at Josephine as Diana removed her cape and laid it on the ground.

“Here, lay here,” Diana urged the mother-to-be.

“You weren’t mugged? Beaten? Kidnapped by any villains recently escaped from Arkham in a themed costume as part of a contrived, elaborate trap to get at me or any member of the Bat Family?”

“I’M HAVING A BABY YOU POINTED EARED URBAN MYTH!”

Batman’s only reaction was a blink. He pressed his communicator.

“Oracle, contingency plan 349.”

Diana’s jaw dropped in disbelief.

“I’m always prepared,” the Dark Knight reminded her.

*****************************************

In the clock tower, Barbara stiffened. She looked at Dinah and mouthed, “Did you hear that?”

Dinah shrugged and frowned. Batman never exactly brought the Black Canary up to speed on his contingency plans.

Barbara grinned and nodded her over as she brought up plan # 349.

Dinah looked at the screen.

“Oh.”

Barbara gave her a quick nod and a grin then started reading.

*****************************************

When is the baby due?

“When is the baby due?”

“AGH! TODAY!” Josephine flung out her hand, grabbing the Amazon’s. Diana was just watching all this in amazement.

Are there any contractions or pain?

“Are there any contractions or pain?”

“NO! NOT! PAINFUL! AT! ALL!!” She managed to scream between pants.

“Oracle, pain is confirmed. Continue.”

Is there any bleeding or discharge?

“Is there any bleeding or discharge?”

Josephine’s face crumbled.

“Bleeding? Oh my GOD! There’s bleeding!”

Diana coughed and glared at Batman before answering, “She stated as we were flying that her ‘water broke.’ There was no blood.”

To Josephine, she reassured, "There is no blood. Don't worry sister."

Is the mother feeling an increasing pressure in the vaginal area?

“Is the mother—are you feeling an increasing pressure in the vaginal area?”

“YES!! I’M IN LABOR!!”

Does the mother feel the urge to push?

“Do you feel the urge to push?”

“YES **** YOU!! GET THIS BABY OUT OF ME NOW!!”

Is there crowning during contraction?

“Is there crowning during contractions?”

“HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW?”

Batman blinked then sat back and looked at Diana.

“Check for crowning,” he said as he handed her a pair of latex gloves.

Diana frowned and slipped them on before lifting Josephine’s dress.

“And what exactly is ‘crowning’—GREAT HERA!”

“Oracle, crowning is confirmed.”

Birth should be imminent.

“Birth should be imminent.”

“GO TO HELL!”

Place a gloved hand on the abdomen above the navel to assess contractions.

“Place a gloved hand on the abdomen above the navel to assess contractions.”

Diana complied and frowned. “Ok, then what?”

Create a sterile field.

“We have to create a sterile field.”

“I’M LAYING ON A BATCAPE ON A ROOFTOP!!”

Batman cleared his throat. Diana looked at him and shook her head. “It’s coming NOW!”

Batman checked and glared at the baby’s head. There were only so many people the BatStare worked on however.

Make sure the umbilical cord isn’t wrapped around the neck.

“Make sure the umbilical cord isn’t wrapped around the neck.”

Diana gave Batman a 'look', “I can hear her too.”

“Right.” He cleared his throat again.

Suction the mouth and nose.

Batman rook a bulb syringe from his Batbelt and handed it to Diana. He ignored her questioning look.

She smirked as she took it, “Always prepared, I should have known.”

Diana cradled the small head with one hand as she cleared the nose and mouth. A little wail came from the tiny lips.

Guide the head downward to deliver the first shoulder, then upward to deliver the second shoulder. Support the infant with both hands.

Diana did as Oracle explained, and as the rest of the baby was delivered she felt tears in her eyes.

“Athena be praised,” she murmured. Batman’s own mouth was slightly agape as well. He snapped to suddenly and removed his own cape and handed it to Diana. Josephine tried to lift her head. She was crying, but smiling. Diana, careful of the cord, wrapped the baby and placed her on Josephine’s abdomen.

“I was going to ask you what you were naming her, but I don’t even know your name.”

“I'm Josephine,” she replied, still a little weepy. She tentatively touched the bundle, then with more confidence.

Meanwhile, Diana and Batman were still receiving instructions from Oracle about the cord. Batman once again surprised Diana when he produced a pair of clamps and a small pair of scissors, all sterile and wrapped. Flashing lights below signaled the ambulance had arrived.

Diana bundled up Josephine in the cape as Batman held onto the newborn. She picked up the new mother in her arms and flew her down to the waiting crew as Batman carefully repelled down with the tiny bundle cradled to his chest.

As they settled mother and baby onto the stretcher, Oracle reminded them to tell the medics she hadn’t delivered the placenta yet. Diana repeated Oracle’s words, not completely sure what a placenta was. She turned to leave, but Josephine grabbed her hand.

“Thanks Wonder Woman.”

Diana looked at her, then to down at her own dark Batcostume, then at Batman, surprised. He just gave her a small smirk.

“How did you--?”

“I’m a fan,” Josephine replied as she cradled her baby. “Of both of you, together,” she added with a smirk and a raised eyebrow.

Diana didn’t know what to say. She looked to Batman again, but he was already gone.

She touched Josephine’s arm and gazed at the newborn.

“The goddesses have blessed this one already, I’m sure.”

“Thank you.”

The medics closed the doors and Diana watched the ambulance leave. She turned and flew back up to the rooftop and started wiping her arms and torso with the towels the medics gave her.

“You were amazing.”

She looked up at Batman and smiled.

“She did all the work. I just caught the baby.”

“Was that the first delivery you’ve seen?”

She laughed and nodded, “Yes, for an island of women, there aren’t a lot of pregnant Amazons—in fact there are none.”

He smirked.

“Should we resume patrol?” She asked, once clean.

He surprised her by shaking his head. “I thought we’d stay here for a little bit. Oracle can alert us if anything’s happening.”

Diana, still surprised, smiled at him and sat down on the edge of the roof, tugging his hand. He sat next to her, close but not touching. She was hyperaware of all his movements, from his breathing to the slow shift of his muscles as he turned to her just as the fireworks show began. So she was aware that he was moving ever so slightly towards her.

She met his lips halfway.

********************************************